[8/21/25]

I wish I could read a book.

Well, I can. But will I actually comprehend it? Probably and possibly not.

Which sounds privileged when there's a dedicated reading corner available in our home, and I do think I had a library card at some point.

I only remember reading 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules' fondly. I borrowed it from the library almost a decade ago, I think.

And I remember reading The Wizard of Oz not so fondly.

I don't hate it nor do I like it. I was just forced to read it, resulting in me automatically finding it boring.

Yet I try. I try to read something more deep and meaningful. Something more "grown up."

But all I see are blocks of text.

All I can remember is Alice saying:

“And what is the use of a book,” thought Alice, “without pictures or conversations?” —Chapter 1, Down the Rabbit-Hole

Though writing all of this now makes me sound childish and petulant. Especially when even I don't know what "grown up" books exactly mean to me.

The only reason why I think I want to read something more "deep" and "meaningful" is really just to brag I read something "deep" and "meaningful."

And I don't want that. It would make me pretentious and performative.

I don't want to read about Aristotle or about Absurdism just for the sake of impressing people.

I want to read to learn.

Yet I say all this knowing I won't make a change.

Is it pathetic, or at least weak, on wanting meds for it?

I might have ADHD, and most likely anxiety.

And it's not that quirky TikTok kind. It negatively affects my daily life that I don't think simple therapy or habit changing can treat it.

I try and fail and get frustrated at myself. Only resulting in further distress—that I can't simply be a normal person.

Maybe I'm just looking for quick fixes since it doesn't require effort to change. Which is deadly.

But, for now, for the sake of my authorship, I will devour (ahahaha) art through music. In the hopes of deepening my understanding and improving my skills as an amateur writer.

And, here, I'll list the books I will supposedly read: